There are two ways to get divorced: Power and Finesse.

In divorce, litigation is power. Power works when one party has it and the other doesn’t. When the laws clearly favor you but the other side doesn’t see it. Or when they don’t have the ability or know-how to “lawyer up” as much as you do. But power has its drawbacks:

It doesn’t work when both sides are “sure” they’re right.
It’s expensive.
It destroys relationships.

Your other option is finesse. In divorce, finesse means mediation. Instead of bludgeoning your way to victory, you work together to find a solution both parties willingly accept. Mediation can preserve whatever goodwill is left in the relationship and even lead to healing. It’s also usually much less expensive that litigation.

However, mediation can’t work with a large power imbalance.

When does Power work? When is Finesse useful?

In my experience, there are two factors that determine if a litigated or mediated solution will work better for your divorce:

Relative Power
Relative Wealth

Relative Power

If both sides have similar resources, knowledge, and comfort with the law, and both sides make the same prediction about a legal solution, you have a power balance.

If both sides are comfortable with the law and think they’re going to win, you could be in for a protracted lawsuit that will eventually settle after squandering months, tens of thousand of dollars, and your remaining peace of mind.

If the parties can tolerate a facilitated conversation without exploding at each other, mediation can be effective way to separate without further damaging each other’s lives.

Even highly emotional parties will choose mediation over litigation when they realize it’s their only hope of having a say in the eventual solution.

On the other hand, if there is a dramatic power imbalance in one direction, the powerful party will rarely have an incentive to mediate.

Relative Wealth

By relative wealth, I mean the balance of Financial Wealth to Relational Wealth. By Relational Wealth, I mean basic goodwill: the desire for the other party to thrive.

In divorces with large financial consequences and little to no goodwill between the parties, the tendency to go for a litigated solution is high. Mediation will only be indicated if:

the power is balanced enough that litigation assures mutual pain, or
the participants want autonomy over their solution that the legal system cannot provide.

In divorces where the relational wealth is high, mediation is an obvious choice. It provides a mechanism to divide resources and come to agreements about the future that emphasizes creation over destruction.

As a divorce mediator and financial analyst, I specialize in parties who still have relational wealth. These couples don’t want to use their children as pawns in the divorce, destroy each other, or liquidate their marital assets in legal fees. They want a solution that allows every party to thrive emotionally and financially, so they can move on and build healthy (separate!) lives.

Why people work with me

I’ve found there are three major reasons why people choose to work with me over the tens of thousands of other professionals who can help dissolve their marriage:

My values. 🙏🏽 I practice the Gandhian values of satya (truth), ahimsa (non-violence), asteya (justice), and nirabhaya (courage). The simple translation of that quartet is Integrity — a commitment to Do the Right Thing no matter how difficult or counterintuitive it seems in the moment.
My brain. 🧠 My first love was mathematics, and I bring a sharpness and rigor to my analysis that is essential when finances are involved. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, I have specialized knowledge in valuing and separating marital assets that most other professionals don’t.
My heart. 🫀 My second love is using conflict constructively. The only way to do that is through truly understanding the needs of the parties involved. That’s hard to do as one of the parties, so my role is to do that for you. I then translate each party’s needs in a language everyone can understand, while remaining omni-partial.

(more about me)

How a divorce mediation works

There are four major components to a divorce mediation when minor children are involved. We will address them in the following order:

The Residential Schedule (where the kids go)
Division of assets (who gets what)
Spousal support
Child support

Dissolutions without kids only have two of those components:

Division of assets (who gets what)
Spousal support

The Residential Schedule

Determining the residential schedule is a facilitated conversation where I will help you explain what you what and why you want it. I will then help you understand what the other party wants and why they want it. Then I will create the conditions that will allow you to come up with a solution that works for your family, stepping in as necessary to keep the discussion constructive.

The residential schedule has nothing to do with money or assets, and must be discussed before any financial conversations. It is assumed that each parent will end up with the resources necessary to care for the children as decided by the residential schedule. The interests of the children come first, and the financing comes second.

The Financial Components (Assets, spousal support, child support)

The rest of the divorce requires a very clear portrait of the couples finances, including all personal and marital income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), I will ask you to collect all this data so I can analyze it.

Once everyone agrees on the current financial picture, we can proceed.

Division of Assets

Once I have valued the marital estate, I will encourage the parties to propose an asset division that meets everyone’s needs and the needs of the children (if present). I can assist by explaining the short and long-term financial and tax consequences of each proposal. Through a series of proposals, you will arrive at a better understanding of what “works” for each party, and settle on a proposal that works for everyone.

Spousal Support

Spousal support is a function of custody, the spouses’ needs, and the spouses’ ability to pay. It will be affected by the division of assets, and have consequences on child support later on. The basic idea is that the State doesn’t want anyone to live in poverty or be dependent on government assistance, if avoidable. Especially children.

While you can negotiate any agreement that works for you, agreements that place any party in financial jeopardy may not sit well with the judge who must eventually sign your dissolution.

Child Support

Every state has their own formulas for determining child support, which we will follow. The amount of child support awarded to a custodial parents usually diminishes as the amount of assets, income potential, and spousal support goes up. This include personal assets that were not part of the marital property or the dissolution agreement (ie, your trust fund).

Making it Legal

All of the agreements you make while working with me will be recorded with as much precision and detail as possible into a Memorandum of Understanding. I will then take your MoU to a lawyer to translate into legalese the court will accept.

Here’s a cheat sheet:

My role (as the mediator and financial analyst) is to steward your process of agreement.
Your role is to come up with agreements that work for your family.
The lawyer’s role is to translate your agreement into law.

The Hard Part

The vast majority of mediations I’ve done have A Hard Part. This is usually some emotional block that one or both parties have that prevent them from hearing the other party, thinking creatively, and coming to agreement. It can be hurt from a previous moment in the marriage, guilt, shame, fear, or something else. Nobody willingly deals with these emotions.

If it has to be dealt with to get to agreement, it will.

Once that happens, the rest of the mediation usually proceeds incredibly smoothly.
If the Hard Part never happens (but needs to), mediation can be slow or break down entirely.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Next Steps

Divorce is an intense journey. You will make the road by walking. If you think taking the road of Finesse (mediation) will work for your case, I can be your guide. Talk to your ex about it. If you’re both interested in my services, schedule a (free) consultation and we can discuss your personal goals and the facts of your case.

https://calendly.com/mangolandia/family-mediation

I believe in you.