How To Win At Mediation

Note: I send this article to my mediation clients a couple of days before their first session, to “prime the pump” on collaboration.

I wan to share with you the secret of How to Win at Mediation.

And here it is:

“Everybody’s problems are your problems.”

It means that whatever the person wants, whether it’s “right” or “wrong”, or factually accurate or inaccurate, has an impact on your future happiness.

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.

It doesn’t mean they get what they want.

It doesn’t mean that they’re right.

It just means that their problems are your problems.

Mediation is understanding that you have shared problems and you need shared solutions.

If the other person has a problem and that problem has nothing to do with you, you don’t need mediation.

So if you’re here, it’s because you have shared problems. Kind of a bummer, I know.

I do NOT think the way to address someone else’s problems is to capitulate or give in or “meet in the middle”. I do not suggest any of those things.

Fine. But what do you do? I have two answers.

(1)
The first step is to understand what you truly want.

In the mediation jargon, we talk about the difference between *positions* and *interests*. Positions are what you think you want. They are your strategies. Maybe your position is “I get the house!” or “I want custody of the kids” or “I need a certain amount of money”.

Positions often come down to zero-sum games. There’s only one house, and only one person can live in it. Or there’s only four weeks in a month, and however many weeks you get is a number of weeks the other person doesn’t get.

But behind your positions and strategies is something much more important (to you). These are the things you really want. The things your strategies are trying to do for you. Maybe you want a sense of security. Maybe you want a sense of continuity with the past. Maybe you want a connection with your children. Those are your deeper interests.

Interests can be met without taking something off the table for the other person.

If you ignore my advice and remain ignorant of your deeper interests, you will inevitably be involved in haggling.

If the other person is afraid of you, you might get what you want by haggling, but this generally means the mediator (me) is not doing a good job. Otherwise, haggling should end up in some kind of meeting in the middle, which is unsatisfactory to all three of us.

Compromise is nobody’s first choice.

I want you to get exactly what you need. I want you to meet all of your deeper interests. That may or may not involve the current strategies you’ve come up with. There might be more creative or interesting strategies that work for everyone that you will come up with.

For that to have a chance, you have to know, deep down, what you really want. What’s behind those positions? Otherwise, you may never feel the satisfaction we all want.

(2)
The second part is very similar. You have to know what the other person really wants.

There’s only one way to do this. You have to listen to them when they tell you. Which means you or the mediator has to ask good questions and listen to the responses. I’m definitely going to be doing that! But the more good questions you can ask directly, and the more you can listen and share what you’re hearing, the better the process will go.

It’s actually quite simple. Shared problems need shared solutions.

I’m not saying that everyone can always get what they want. But once we know what we all need, then you can evaluate — together — if those needs can be met. And if not, what might need to shift?

Remember, even though I’m an engineer by training, I should not be coming up with the solutions. You should. And that’s because you will like the solutions better that way.

That’s it!

I’m excited for our session.