In keeping with Ken Cloke’s approach using questions to understand the deeper sources of conflict, this passage leads the parties to a deeper understanding of how they each show up in the conflict:
Much of what takes place in couples, families, friendships, and other close relationships lies buried beneath layers of unspoken desire, expectation, anxiety, hope, fear, anger, shame, guilt, jealousy, and similar emotions.
These emotions can be stirred up by a combination of uncaring, uncertainty, attachment to outcomes, dysfunctional responses to conflict, and lack of skill, all of which lead to an accumulation of unasked and unanswered questions. This diminishes our capacity for intimacy, connection, and authentic, loving relationships.
Here are a few questions couples, families, friends, and others in close or intimate relationships can ask one another to cut through these layers and surface unspoken concerns, with the goal of strengthening their communications and relationships—or that mediators can ask in joint sessions or in caucus:
- What qualities initially attracted you to each other?
- What did you first love or appreciate about each other?
- Have those changed, now that you know each other better?
- Why are you interested in being in a relationship with each other?
- What words or phrases would you use to describe the kind of relationship you most want to have with each other?
- Do either of you disagree with any of those words? If so, you haven’t yet reached consensus. Now how can you make them happen?
- Do any of us have permission to stop the conversation if we begin moving away from those words?
- What do you hope to achieve through this conversation that could strengthen your relationship?
- Do you have any fears, anxieties, or concerns about talking about your relationship? What are they?
- What is one thing the other person could say or do that could help you reduce your fears, anxieties, or concerns?
- Would you like to know one thing you could say or do to reduce their fears, anxieties, or concerns?
- What is one thing about you, your history, or your wishes that you haven’t yet communicated to each other but would like to?
- What is one argument or conflict you have had in your relationship? How often have you had it? What triggers it for you?
- What happens when you argue that you wish would not happen—or would happen differently?
- What is one thing the other person could say or do that could help you communicate better when you have a disagreement? Would you like to know one thing you could do or say that would help the other person communicate better with you?
- What is one thing you would like the other person not to do or say the next time you have an argument or conflict? What does it mean when the other person does that? Why does that matter to you?
- How did people in your family of origin argue or behave when they disagreed or had conflicts?
- What issues did your parents argue about? Were those the real issues? If not, what were they?
- How did they finally stop arguing, overcome their differences, or resolve their conflicts?
- Would you like to do the same as your parents? If not, what would you want to do differently?
- What are some of the patterns you slip into when you argue that you would like to break? How can you help each other break them?
- Are there any ground rules or protocols you would like to propose to help resolve future conflicts and disagreements with each other?
- Were there patterns to the conflicts in your family of origin regarding money? Physical intimacy? Emotional issues? Illness? Time or space? Eating? (etc.). What were they?
- Which of these patterns would you like to change? Why? What do these patterns mean to you?
- What do you want from each other? Why do you want it?
- What are you afraid will happen if you don’t get it, or can’t agree about it?
- What does the word “relationship” mean to you? The word “love”? The word “conflict”?
- What other issues would you like to discuss that we haven’t talked about, but you feel are important to your relationship?
- If you were to write a “Constitution” for your relationship, what would you want to include? What would the Preamble say? The Bill of Rights? Etc.
- What do you most want for your future?
- How would you like to make decisions regarding divisive issues that arise in the future?
- How might you sabotage your own happiness? What can you do to make sure that doesn’t happen?
- What issues, concerns, or fears have you been holding on to that you haven’t mentioned? Why have you been holding on to them?
- What would you like to say to each other right now, as a reassurance that, in spite of talking about these difficult issues, you still want to be in a caring relationship with each other?
The passage is from Chapter 4 of Ken Cloke’s The Magic in Mediation
Ankur Shah Delight: Community and Conflict 