How does divorce mediation work?

There are four major components to a divorce mediation when minor children are involved. We will address them in the following order:

The Residential Schedule (where the kids go)
Division of assets (who gets what)
Spousal support
Child support

Dissolutions without kids only have two of those components:

Division of assets (who gets what)
Spousal support

The Residential Schedule

Determining the residential schedule is a facilitated conversation where I will help you explain what you what and why you want it. I will then help you understand what the other party wants and why they want it. Then I will create the conditions that will allow you to come up with a solution that works for your family, stepping in as necessary to keep the discussion constructive.

The residential schedule has nothing to do with money or assets, and must be discussed before any financial conversations. It is assumed that each parent will end up with the resources necessary to care for the children as decided by the residential schedule. The interests of the children come first, and the financing comes second.

This is how the courts like it, as it prioritizes the interests of the children.

The Financial Components (assets, spousal support, child support)

The rest of the divorce requires a very clear portrait of the couples finances, including all personal and marital income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. Somebody with training specific to division and taxation of assets in a divorce should do this work. Most lawyers and mediators do not have this specialized knowledge, ask around for one that has the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) credential.

(I do.)

Your CDFA® professional (who may or may not be your mediator) will ask you to collect all this data so they can analyze it and give you the financial portrait of your marital estate.

This includes real estate, income, expenses, retirement accounts, pension plans, stock options, life insurance, veterans benefits, and everything else. The CDFA® determines which assets are part of the marital estate and which are “separate property” and not part of the dissolution agreement.

Once everyone has a clear and current financial picture, you can proceed.

Division of Assets

Once we have a value for the marital estate, I will encourage the parties to propose an asset division that meets everyone’s needs and the needs of the children (if present).

The proposal does not have to be a 50/50 split of marital property. It just has to be something both parties agree to, and that a judge will not reject. That said, knowing the philosophy of your state gives you a clear idea of what you could expect if mediation fails and you ended up going to court.

I live in Washington State, which is a “community property state”, meaning the state would divide your marital assets close to 50/50 if given the opportunity. Other states are “equitable distribution states”, where the focus is more on fairness than equality.

The legal system does not like seeing gross inequity, and it doesn’t like solutions that would require anyone in the family to seek government support. So negotiating “too hard” in either direction could end up backfiring.

I assist by explaining the short and long-term financial and tax consequences of each proposal for each party. I also highlight what I observe is most important to each party, which is easy to miss for the participants.

Through a series of offers and counter-offers, you will arrive at a better understanding of what “works” for each of you, and settle on a proposal that works for everyone.

Spousal Support

Spousal support is a function of custody, the spouses’ needs, and the spouses’ ability to pay. It will be affected by the division of assets, and have consequences on child support later on. Again, the basic idea is that the State doesn’t want anyone to live in poverty or be dependent on government assistance, if avoidable. Especially children.

While you can negotiate any agreement that works for you, agreements that place any party in financial jeopardy may not sit well with the judge who must eventually sign your dissolution.

Child Support

Every state has their own formulas for determining child support, which we will follow. The amount of child support awarded to a custodial parents usually diminishes as the amount of assets, income potential, and spousal support goes up. For the purpose of this calculation, your assets include separate assets that were not part of the marital property or the dissolution agreement (ie, your trust fund).

Making it Legal

All of the agreements you make while working with me will be recorded with as much precision and detail as possible into a Memorandum of Understanding. I will then take your MoU to a lawyer to translate into legalese the court will accept.

Here’s a cheat sheet for Who does What:

The mediator stewards the process of agreement.
The CDFA® professional analyzes your finances and determines the value of your marital estate
The parties come up solutions and agreements that work for their family.
The lawyer translates you settlement agreement into law.

The Hard Part

The vast majority of mediations I’ve done have A Hard Part. This is usually some emotional block that one or both parties have that prevent them from hearing the other party, thinking creatively, and coming to agreement. It can be hurt from a previous moment in the marriage, guilt, shame, fear, or something else. Nobody willingly deals with these emotions.

If it has to be dealt with to get to agreement, it will.

Once that happens, the rest of the mediation usually proceeds incredibly smoothly.
If the Hard Part never happens (but needs to), mediation can be slow or break down entirely.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Next Steps

Every divorce is unique. Many are intense. You will make the road by walking. If you think mediation will work for your case, I can be your guide, as a mediator, CDFA® professional, or both.

Talk to your ex about it. If you’re both interested in my services, schedule a (free) consultation and we can discuss your personal goals and the facts of your case.

https://calendly.com/mangolandia/family-mediation

I believe in you.