Dearly Beloved,
There is something about this holiday season that reminds me of forgiveness. The opportunity. The transformative potential. And, sometimes, the imperative.
Maybe it’s because of my steady intake of Gandhi and Jesus type stuff over the years, but I’ve associated forgiveness with “You Must” for most of my life.
I don’t think this has been helpful for me. More often than not, I’ve ended up moving through the thoughts and feelings around forgiveness too quickly, without spending enough time dwelling in the discomfort the process offered me.
Like conflict avoidance, this is a behavior that does not build community.
Does that sound familiar? I feel like the message is always the same — some melange of “The only way out is through” and “This moment is a gift, no matter what it smells like”.
I got a teaching — and a reality check — on forgiveness during my first course with Ken Cloke a few years ago. He teaches a 5-step process that changed my understanding of forgiveness, and thus, my entire life. I’ll go into in detail soon, but here’s a link to the (literal) 3-minute version that Martin made.
Here’s a quick framework on forgiveness, going too fast (spiritual bypassing, perhaps?), and going all the way (reconciliation)…
Forgiveness: I have squeezed all the juice out of the shitty situation, learned all I could learn, felt all the feelings, and am ready to liberate myself and move on. I have given up all hope of a better past.
Note that Forgiveness is about the forgiver. There is nothing future-oriented about the other party in forgiveness.
Reconciliation: I was so successful at forgiveness that I can be clear-hearted about whether I want to continue to relate to you, and under what circumstances. I am free from the past, my pain, and my reactions to your actions. I know I want you in my life and am willing to explore how.
Spiritual Bypassing: I know what the right thing is, but it’s knowledge of the tongue (not knowledge of the heart). I don’t have the courage or patience to enjoy the process. I don’t know how to use forgiveness as self-care, even though I’d like to be a guy who did so.
That’s my breakdown. Thanks to Ken and Jesus and all the others who have been working so hard on forgiveness for all these years…
to it once a month, as a gift to myself.
Ankur Shah Delight: Community and Conflict 