My Conflict Pronouns

I’m sharing this wisdom from my last (epic!) training with Ken Cloke on the meaning of pronouns in conflict conversations.

Here’s the doc:

There’s plenty to critique here if we so choose. I personally hear myself using “I” not to express vulnerability but to victimize myself, like “I ended up working so hard…”. One can use “We” for self-aggrandizing, like the political rallies you know are happening right now.

So I’m not saying what’s on this sheet is the only way these pronouns are used. But it turns out to be a Very Useful Guide. If you find yourself using a lot of 2nd or 3rd person pronouns in conflict, try shifting to I/We and observe what happens.

In particular, an incredibly deft and surprising move in any argument is to take two forces in opposition and see what I can say that’s true about both of them. Starting with “We” forces us to do exactly that.

i.e., to go from:

• You’re being a jerk right now.
• I need more respect.

To:

• We…
• We are having a hard time in our relationship today.
• We are both suffering.
• We want this to work better for everyone’s sake.
• We are struggling to find better options.
• We don’t know what to do next.
• We are scared.

What do you think?