Working with other humans in any sphere of life — work, marriage, sports, music — is going to involve conflict.
This is actually a good thing.
Conflict means you are at the limit of what one individual (you) can bring to the table.
Effective collaboration requires including another perspective to come up with something neither individual could do alone.
That’s the healthy case, at least.
That’s when the need for conflict is met constructively.
The problem is when the need for conflict is blocked by the need for safety.
This happens when we think our conflict partner is trying to kill us.
I’m serious.
It doesn’t matter if it’s about logo colors, when the flute comes in, or how long your mother-in-law can stay.
If you’re not reacting well, it’s because some part of your lizard brain thinks somebody is trying to kill you.
This exercise — The Collaboration Manual — is a way of letting your conflict partners know how to help you feel safe.
Ultimately, feeling safe is your responsibility.
It’s nobody else’s fault if you don’t feel safe, unless they’re actually trying to hurt you!
But, in a healthy collaboration, there is generally a lot of goodwill.
We want to work together effectively.
We want each other to feel safe.
Most of the time, we just don’t know how.
This is especially true when you haven’t grown up with your conflict partners or known them for decades.
But if your partner has read your Collaboration Manual, or has gone through these exercises with you, they will have a very good idea of what they can do to help you feel safe.
There are four ways to use this manual, each better than the last.
- Read through it. It takes about 7 minutes and will give you interesting food for thought for a few weeks.
- Do the exercises. It takes 60-120 minutes and you’ll learn a lot about yourself.
- Share the manual with your colleagues. It’ll lead to less doubt and more confidence in your interactions.
- Fill out the manual in a live workshop with your team. You can share your stories and gain a much deeper understanding of why each person is the way they are. (More on this at the end!)
Remember, the point of this exercise is NOT personal growth. It’s dusting off the mirror to get a situation report on what healthy collaboration needs to look like for each one of us.
You may or may not like what you see in your manual or somebody else’s. But if you want to work together effectively, it’s indispensable information.
Enjoy.
Ankur Shah Delight: Community and Conflict 