95% of the work

I met with some badass facilitators last week to talk about conflict resolution. One of them told me that 95% of any conflict resolution process happens before the conflict.

95% of the work is prevention.

Relationship building.

Or, in my non-technical vocabulary: Hanging Out.

It seems shocking at first. Like conflict resolution people are lazy or don’t want to do their job.

But it makes sense.

Imagine you’re in a marriage where you disagree with your partner on every major hot-button topic. Topics that are identity-defining.

Gaza. Black Lives Matter. Vaccines.

And imagine those deep disagreements not affecting the health or strength or joy of your marriage at all. Not one bit.

What would have to be in place?

Trust. A lot of trust.
Understanding. A lot of understanding.

I would happen to be able to articulate exactly why my partner believed what they did and why that did not make them “a bad person” in my eyes.

Can you do that on any one of the divisive issues without claiming the other side (your fictional partner) is stupid, misinformed, or has a wack moral system?

Don’t most of our arguments ultimately rely on the fact we’re smarter, more ethical, or better informed than the other side?

And wouldn’t only A Shitload of Hanging Out be the only thing to break us out of that illusion?

I’m not saying I’m wrong about any of those topics. (I don’t think I am)

Or that we live in a moral relativist universe where any viewpoint on anti-semitism or abortion or islamophobia is acceptable. (I don’t think we do)

What would it look like if we took this 95% thing seriously?

At the dinner table?
At the workplace?
At the legislature?